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Weekend Hangouts with our Schlangs Out

Mon 17 Apr 2017, 12:43 pm by lil' poopie boy

Hi farm,
This is a notice to tell you that rob and I are reaching ST this coming weekend, the 21st, 22nd, 23rd. I expect to be greeted by downie darkos ready to hangout whilst stoking our nice long cats and dogs.
So lets lets drink poison and ingest herbal remedies for our pain, lets camp at shark mountain or in the forest by the cemetery. Lets go to olearys or celebr8 or sunset diner or …

    Hanna and Never Ending Saga of the Insane Birdman

    Journeyman From the Far East

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    Hanna and Never Ending Saga of the Insane Birdman

    Post by Vyzor on Sat 25 Aug 2012, 11:53 pm



    In a dirty hospital in Spade, New Brunswick, there works a nurse. Named Helga at birth, she now goes by Hanna, a name she felt to be more of a turn on for the ladies at the local nightclub. Why is she concerned about the thoughts of other ladies at shady nightclubs? Because, to her great pleasure, she is a lesbian. There is a very certain lady whom she spotted just the other night at the club who makes her heart flutter and her genitals tingle.

    Every night these days, she steps into the club, and presently forgets the enchanting aromas, sporadic flashes of light, and the concert-like noises of the establishment, to focus on how she plans to approach her target, and how to bait her like a starving fish. Hanna does not need to worry about the woman sexual orientation; this is a lesbian only club. Hanna does not need to worry about the woman not feeling the same lust in return; Hanna always gets what she wants, one way or another. Currently, a plan formulates itself within the deep catacombs of Hanna's warped and twisted mind. She knows her plan of action, so she begins to stride stealthily towards her love interest.

    "Hey", she said to her love interest.

    Her love interest gave a quick look up from the bar at Hanna. Hanna gave her a wink.

    "Are you looking for a good time?", asked Hanna.

    The girl looked up at the wall with her big blue eyes and said, "What's your name?".

    "Hanna, yours?" The girl paused for a second and looked around the club awkwardly not making eye contact with Hanna.


    Hanna started to get nervous as Alice wouldn't look at her. "So, you made up your mind?" Alice sat at the bar and ignored Hanna staring with soul less eyes at the wall. "AHEM! I said, did you make up your mind?" Alice looked up at Hanna and cracked a smile.

    "I've seen you around here before, you know," said Alice with a somewhat devious smirk.

    Out of surprise Hanna replied in the flirtatious manner she was oh so accustomed to, "Yeah, and do you like what you've seen?" Alice's face stood stern and solid as rock. She was simply unamused, and Hanna took note of this. Alice was different from the rest of the brain dead, polyamorous lesbians. Hanna looked down to the bar in shame. Alice smiled and tilted her head up with her finger and said "You know what, lets go somewhere more quiet."

    As they left the bar they passed a man wearing a bright red waistcoat. Alice glanced toward him, looking intently. With a nod unseen to Hanna, she snatched a bottle of pills from his outstretched hand. Now it was time to go somewhere more quiet, now it was time to go somewhere to forget. To forget everything, except the indulgences that one can partake in, only, when one is prepared to let the past swallow what is rightfully Its. Somewhere, a curtain swished.



    Helga was on break when she got the phone call. As she listened, her face was wiped of all colour, and her hands began to tremble. "I see. No, no... I understand," she murmured into the the small device. "I will be right over." She put down the phone, placing it softly on the counter. With only a slight pause to consider the words she just heard, she began to prepare to leave the building.

    Screw work, she thought. We aren't very busy today, and they'll hardly notice I'm missing. She put on her shoes, and trudged out the back door.

    Walking through the parkinglot she could hear the musical sounds of the factories and industrial community around her. As she approached her car, she noticed a slip of paper on the windsheild. Fuck, not another parking ticket..., she thought. Oddly, though, this slip of paper was not the usual greyish blue colour of a parking ticket, nor did it bear the insignia of the cruel and corrupt Spade Police Force. To her great surpise, it was bright green and folded, with her name, Helga Sanford scribbled on the front. It's a note..., she realized as she opened it. It read:

    2:00 AM, meet me at your apartment.

    Helga looked at her watch to see it was 1:45 AM. Helga worked the night shifts at the Spade Hospital. Helga looked around to find who left the note but the streets were bare. She heard a scuttle in a close by alleyway.

    'What the..." Helga said to herself.

    Helga looked up the deserted street and saw two shady figures step out of the shadows looking straight towards her. As fear started running through her veins she rushed into her car and started it.

    As she got home she saw Danielle's car in the parking lot. Danielle was Helga's best friend since she was 8. Helga sighed in relief realizing she wasn't going to be alone. Helga's apartment was an old run down building that looked as if it was 100 years old. It only had 4 floors but half of the rooms were unoccupied. As she entered the room she saw Danielle's converse on the floor.

    "Hey Danielle, you here?" asked Helga into the empty looking apartment. Helga looked around a saw a puff of smoke coming from the laz-e-boy. She saw a man sitting in a trench coat. His face was shaded by the shadows. He said:

    "Helga my dear! Where have you been?" The man arose from the shadows to show a well aged face wearing saggy eyes and a bushy white mustache. The old man approached Helga with outstretched arms as to greet her with a hug.

    Helga threw her head back in silent laughter and bounced into his offered hug to reply: "Arthur! Is that really you? It has been to long!"

    "Aye it has girl. I have been much busy with work." Arthur replied while chocking on his nicotine.

    Helga wore a massive grin and started to pace anxiously and exclaimed "You scared the hell out of me you old coot! We have so many stories to share. Oh God, where does one even start?"

    Arthur nodded in approval with a modest smile. Arthur was cheery a man as ever, not often could you catch him in a bad mood. Then suddenly Arthur's face grew stern and concerned. He began to twirl his cigarette around in circles as if he was a young boy. "Indeed we do dear, but there is something we need to talk about."

    Helga's smile began to fade as confusion took over. "What is it?" she asked in a somewhat cautious manner.

    "It is about your mother Helga. I have already talked to Danielle, she is in her room now."

    Helga had lived with her mother until she was 12. On her twelve birthday she came home after school to find her home in turmoil and her mother missing unexplainably. After that she had moved in with Danielle and her family. Helga had never known her father, her mother had always told her that she was blessed by the angels by not having one.

    "My mother? Arthur, you know my mother and I haven't spoken in many years. What is this all about?" Arthur sighed with grief and the twirling of the cigarette halted. He then replied:

    "I'm sure you remember, back then. Though you don't know it your mother was quite a dancer, if I'm so bold to say!" He chuckled until he fell into a coughing fit and sat down hard on the couch. Looking up suddenly toward her face with his own looking older than Time itself he stated simply: "The reason I'm here Helga, is because I am dying."

    "What, no! You can't be dying arthur! You just have a cold or something, you'll be fine in the morning, stay here with us tonight."

    "No Helga I couldn't impose on you two so abruptly. Allow me to explain the situation"

    "Your mother....she now works at a dance studio in Spade. It's under the name, Rosetta Studios. You see, when she ran away she spent 4 years living in Cratchet saving up money for some reason. She didn't quite explain to me the reason why. She had only just called me this morning. She wants you and I to live with her. She apparently owns a really nice house somewhere in the city. She said she wanted to make it up to you for running away and hiding out for all those years. She also found out I was sick and wants to take care of me in my time of need. I mean, the only family I have left are you and your mother." Arthur took another drag of his cigarette. He looked down with his sagged old face and scrunched it up as if he was thinking hard about something. "She said she would explain more if we at least go and visit her." As Arthur finished talking he then started struggling to get out of the chair and back on his feet, coughing the whole time. Arthur looked around the room at all the walls, observing the dilapidated wallpaper. He stroked his whitened mustache as he watched the wallpaper age even more. "I mean...if her house really is nice like she claims, it would be nicer than living here. The whole place looks like it's ready to fall apart. You could even bring Danielle along if you'd like. I don't think your mother'd mind." Helga stared out the window, eyes as wide as she could open them. "Huh..." said Helga amazed. Arthur then abruptly said, " Well, I better be going. Got things to do, you know, I don't have much time left." he said jokingly. "If you want to go just call me at this number." Arthur reached into his trench coat and pulled out a tiny slip of paper and set it on the decrepit kitchen counter. Arthur wobbled to the door and reached for his old cane. Helga watched as the old man stumbled out the door. Helga stood staring in thought out the window as tiny rain droplets started running down the window. She had made up her mind. She ran through the door and down the stairs of the apartment into the parking lot. It had started pouring now. "WAIT!" blurted out Helga. Arthur stopped trying to open his car door and turned around in surprise. "What is it?" asked Arthur through the loud rain. Helga then said,

    "I'm having my own problems, too."

    A look of concern grew on Uncle Arthur's face. "What do you mean?" He asked.

    Helga replied, "I mean, I think there are people after me. I was reading the note you wrote for me on my car...that was you, wasn't it?"

    Arthur nodded softly. "I wanted to call your cell phone tonight, when I realized I don't even know your number. I was fortunate enough to find you're car while I was walking to you're apartment." He chuckled. "It's me being stubborn. I like to keep numbers in my head, not on some piece of paper. Maybe now I'll finally make that list that everyone has been telling me I should have."

    "Yes," Helga said. She was very aware of her uncle's quirks, and very fortunate to have an uncle with such unique handwriting. "Anyway, I was at my car, when two men came towards me. I panicked and drove off without a word. They didn't say anything, but I know who they are. And who they work for." Her face contorted in disgust.

    "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't quite understand," Arthur said. "Why are there men after you?"

    Helga sighed. "It's not really me they're after. It's someone I know. A girl named Alice. I hooked up with her at a club last week. The people chasing her called my work about an hour ago, said they wanted to speak with me tonight. Somehow they know that I know her. They can't catch her, so they're trying to use me. But I'm not gonna just let them do that."

    Arthur waited a second to respond. "Helga, you're not getting involved with the wrong kind of people, are you?"

    Helga smirked. "At this point, Arthur, there are no more right people." The smirk faded. "I really want to explain this all to you right now,'s not the time. Which is why I would like to take your offer and go with you to my mother's house. There's some things I need to do myself first. Then I can explain everything to everyone: you, Mom, and Danielle."

    Arthur relaxed, pleased with her response. "Alright. I'll pick you and Danielle up on...does Saturday sound good?"

    Helga thought about it. "Yeah, I think I'm free then." Then a realization struck her. She had been an open lesbian for only ten years, since she was twenty-two. Her mother had no idea of her homosexuality. Well, it'll definitely be a surprise to her, Helga thought, and then, Hey, maybe it will make her realize how badly she screwed up.

    "Well," Arthur said, "I'll be going now. Call me in the morning so that I don't have to fear for your life as much as I usually do." And with that, he got into his car and drove off.

    Helga stood by herself on the driveway for a minute or two, and then went to her own car. Now to deal with some unfinished business.

    When she arrived at the club people were already lining up outside. Looking around the parking lot quickly she got out of her car and walked up to the back entrance and knocked the required three times.
    "Who is it?" was the gruff reply from the other side of the door.

    "Who the fuck do you think Jon, you stupid fat fuck."

    "Well, I'm in a high profile business, big people come through here."

    "Like who? Your doped up strippers? Open the door." She said scornfully. Walking into the gloomy hallway she saw the usual sights; pole dancers talking on the wall, prostitutes injecting before the club opened and bouncers trying to get laid before work. These people were the filth of the underworld, when you didn't care if you were sitting in spilt beer or a puddle of semen you belonged back here. The only people in this place with an ounce of self respect were herself and Pete "Smoking" Johnson, a local small time pimp. Her mind wandered back to the man in the red tailcoat. As she walked towards the curved green staircase heading downward she noticed a new, vibrant work of art on the tapestry that the wall provided.

    "Welcome to Utopia"
    She walked down the stairs with this bloody image engraved in her mind.

    As Helga stepped into the so called "Utopia", Pete started to trail behind her. "Get off my ass!" she yelled into his fat face. Pete was a very large African American man. He had a thin mustache that looked almost invisible. His cheeks were also very puffed out as if he were a chipmunk. He didn't have very much hair for he had always buzzed it off, but you could tell he hadn't had a haircut in a while for it was growing back. "Now, is that anyway to talk to me?" Pete asked her. "I said, GET OFF MY ASS." Helga was rushing through the many hallways of the backrooms of the nightclub, all the while Pete tried to catch up. "Slow down, I need to talk to you." Said Pete gasping for air. Helga just kept on rushing through the halls until she finally came to her destination. An unused make up room. Gasping for air, Pete was standing in the room with her. "Holy....shit...Helga....what the fuck were you rushing for?", "I want to get this over with, right NOW! Here's the money." Helga threw a large wad of money at him. "Oh, you have the money." said Pete in disappointment. "There, now I don't owe you anything Pete." As Helga went for the door, Pete stood in the way. "Bu...But I don't want the money." Helga looked confused for a second then her confusion turned to anger. "What?! Money isn't fucking good enough for you?" Pete looked down at the ground and then back at Helga mysteriously. "You can keep the money...if you suck my dick." As he said this he wiped out his black cock. Helga looked at it disgustedly. "OH FUCK! You know i'm not into that kind of stuff! Fuck, what's wrong with you?" Pete turned around and locked the door. "You're not going anywhere...until you start fucking 'SMOKING' my COCK." Pete rushed at Helga and grabbed her by her hair and slammed her to the ground. He shoved Helga's face right into his genitals. He forced his cock into her mouth forcing her to suck it. He held her head and pushed her head back and forth on it. Helga gagged on his penis the whole time and tried to get away, but Pete was too strong. He slapped her face and screamed, "You're going to fucking enjoy my dick!" and Helga looked up with her beautiful blue eyes. He unbuttoned her shirt exposing her soft bouncy breasts. "Oh yea, i've been wanting those fucking tits forever." Pete started to suck off of Helga's nipples and they started to get erect. "FUCK YEA!" As soon as he shouted this, a man dressed in a blue skin tight suit burst through the window. The suit stretched all the way over his head, only showing his face. He also had a beak strapped onto his face which made him look like a gallant bird. "MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE AGAIN!" the man screamed at Pete. He darted at Pete as if he was a human needle. The man took Pete's head and made him bite a table. "BITE THE CURB!" and curb stomped Pete's face making his teeth shatter and fly around the room. "Good night, sweet prince. I FUCKING KILLED JPOBS." said the man. Helga looked very confused and scared. The man looked up into the ceiling and started screaming "THU THU THREE OHOHOH THU THU THREE OHOHOH." The man pulled out a large butchers knife and started slicing up Pete and started putting all his flesh into a tower. "STACK IT UP! STACK IT UP!" he screamed. Helga screamed at the sight of this freak. "Oh...Heyro!" said the man as he gave her a little wave. He then dived at Helga's vagina and said into it. "THE ADVENTURES OF CLITS, THE ADVENTURES OF CLITS. IT'S SO CLITTY CAUSE IT'S THE ADVENTURES OF CLIIITSSS. Can I punch you in the face?" Helga tried to scurry away from this monstrosity. "Oh my FUCKING god! HOLY FUCK!" she screamed. The man looked outside at the rain trickling into the snow on the windowsill. "Fuck, I wish it was summeeeer." Helga then fainted from being so shocked. The man held his hands up to his ear as if he was receiving a transmission. "OGMA has been saved. Uh huh....MOVE OUT." The man spread out the cape he was wearing which had looked like wings were attached to it. "Time to go read some Dracula! Fffff...what am I saying? I'm going to end up playing Minecraft." The man then put goggles over his face and spread his cape wings and jumped back out the window. The man flew up to the window again flapping his cape like wings, hovering in mid-air. "CHOOOMPY" he screamed into the room and flew off into the darkness. That was the night...everything changed.
    Downie Darko

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    Re: Hanna and Never Ending Saga of the Insane Birdman

    Post by TheCryptKeeper on Sun 26 Aug 2012, 12:40 am

    *3 DAYS LATER*

    -Alice's Journal-
    My uncle had always told me there were three sides to every story; yours, mine, and the truth. This is likely the truest statement I had ever heard, even after an additional 14 years of seemingly aimless life experience. People generally tend to over think everything. It's this trait that often lends us to stories with three different beginnings, three different endings, and one common theme: everything will only have as much point as we are willing to give it. Of course, I don't mean that in the literal sense. What I mean to say is; people care about things that truly don't deserve care, and once we decide not to care, that's when the real meaning of life and existence can be explored.

    At least, that's how I felt before Hanna died.
    lil' poopie boy
    High Maester of Verra

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    Re: Hanna and Never Ending Saga of the Insane Birdman

    Post by lil' poopie boy on Thu 28 Mar 2013, 3:50 am

    The rest of the page was too wet to read.

    Arthur surveyed the scene; rain pelted down on the horror that lay before him. What he had hoped to find here didn't seem to be here, and disheartened he turned away from the scene, burying the soaked page deep within his trench-coat pocket. As he began to step away, he heard an unexpected sound amidst the clap of thunder and the titter tatter of the rain.

    " me..."

    Puzzled, Arthur turned around to look at the scene again. Among the ocean blue-feathers before him, he could clearly see what was calling out to him.

    Arthur approached the spot where it lay, the ground crunching with every step, and said:

    Journeyman From the Far East

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    Re: Hanna and Never Ending Saga of the Insane Birdman

    Post by Vyzor on Thu 04 Apr 2013, 9:44 pm

    "...Where are they?"

    Arthur trudged through the muddy water of this stingy back alley. As he approached the person lying on the ground, he found it was a woman, bleeding out on the brink of death.


    The woman could not finish her sentence for she was coughing up to much blood. Arthur looked over her body to find she had extremely deep cuts in her stomach and legs. The woman was missing an eye.

    "Who did this to you? Was it him? Was it the Birdman?" asked Arthur.

    "I can't...I"

    "You have to tell me! You have no idea how much I want to find him!" As Arthur said this he pulled the woman by her shirt.

    Helga had been admitted to a mental hospital for an unknown reason to Arthur and her close friends. She had only spent a day there before killing herself the next night. The only thing she left behind was a letter addressed to Arthur.

    Inside the letter was one thing written on a crumpled sheet of paper.


    Before then, there were reports of mysterious murders all around the city that had blue feathers left at each crime scene. Arthur took it upon himself to track down the Birdman to see what caused Helga to go into such a horrible mental state. He had to know, no matter the cost.

    Arthur let go of the woman's collar letting her drop into her pool of rain and blood. The woman was already dead. Everything had been taken away from Arthur. The only thing he had left was to find the Birdman. His only possible clue to where he was, was this journal found close to the woman's body. Suddenly, the siren of a police car sounded off very close by. Arthur darted away from the crime scene, but before he could get away, his path was blocked by...

    Journeyman From the Far East

    Posts : 1010
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    Re: Hanna and Never Ending Saga of the Insane Birdman

    Post by Vyzor on Thu 30 Jan 2014, 9:24 pm

    A big fucking black man.


    No, it couldn't be him? Could it? It was. The man who raped Helga that fateful night. The same man who was cut up into little tiny bits that got stacked up into a big fleshy mess.

    "Hey there cutie pie. That's a sweet ass ya got there." Pete said with a devilish grin.

    "Pete!? There's no way are you alive?"

    "Never mind that sweet cheeks. I'm just here to stretch out that sweet hole of yours."

    As Pete said this, he approached Arthur while making a groping motion with his hands.

    "No! Get away from me you sick bastard!" screamed Arthur.

    Arthur took a swing at Pete's face but this didn't seem to faze him. This was the end.

    Pete shoved Arthur to the ground and jumped on his body. "Ya baby! Now let's see inside that colon! UHAHAHA!!!!!"

    Just before Pete could pull out his chode, a voice came from the darkness.

    " DEAD!" Out of nowhere, a huge chunk of shrapnel flew right towards Pete's head sending it flying. It was....


    Sponsored content

    Re: Hanna and Never Ending Saga of the Insane Birdman

    Post by Sponsored content

      Current date/time is Thu 19 Jul 2018, 11:33 am